Yeah, im bored so i feel like rambling. Sometimes, there are things that go through your mind that you just cant say out loud, even though it wouldnt really embarrass me. Like most of the time when i see someone hot, all i want to do is blatantly tell them so. Sometimes i just have the urge to shout, hey stick your dick in my mouth. WHY IS THIS WRONG? Some might say its wrong to carry on this way because i am in a relationship Which i cherish very much. I just happen to need a lot of attention and have a huge sexual driving force than anyone i know. I like it, I would sleep with everyone i wanted to if i knew it wouldnt hurt people or have people think of me poorly. I have just always been open this way. I mean im sure if anyone actually gave a fuck to read anything i write they might give me slack for it. but i would think anyone who wanted to read this would be a true friend. Something that is very scarce these days. I love him i do. Im so screwed up in the head since my mom died i often wonder if i am treating him right or being the girl he deserves most of the time i dont.
We hardly talk i feel like. hardly see each other. Sometimes i feel like im going to wake up one day and he wont want to deal with me anymore and leave, so that always gets the wheels turning on a back up plan on how to survive. which apparently is very much a behavior of my mother as i learned recently.
I love being overly sexual with people. almost crossing that sacred boundry. pushing people. I mean hell i obviously eye fuck the hell out of the ups delivery guy all the time. A very good friend of mine said she knew her husband was the one when she looked at other men and didnt care. I dont think that will ever be physically possible. The Kabbalah says you can have up to TEN soulmates at one time. how the fuck am i supposed to convince someone that its okay for me to feel this way. I dont choose who i fall for or who falls for me. I say this all the time and i mean i will fall in love with almost everyone i meet.
Love is love there is no one way to love. Love and sex are different however. I like to mix the two together when i can, but maybe i just have a male brain. The desire to spread my sexual self all over "to spread the seed" With out the fucking seed part. WHY IS THIS WRONG. It doesnt feel wrong. What feels wrong is people getting hurt by my desires and actions. which i have been VERY good. I havent fucked up at all. No matter how bad i might want too. Maybe im just scared ill end up alone so i have to surround myself with plenty of options, which that sounds ridiculous.
ON THE OTHER HAND, would i care if the one that got away didnt come back? What is that pull he has with me? The bf said the TOTGA( the one that got away) has similar behaviours as my brother and i have tried to save my brother all my life. He thinks i like him because he is the closest thing to my brother that i could actually sleep with, which honestly CREEPED ME THE FUCK OUT, that is just fucking weird to think about. but when you think of it as you look for a man who is like your father or your older brother in Qualities. which that is true. Every one is addicted to something right? Well im addicted to addicts. and like addicts i want to do what feels good and right and not worry about others, My heart aches for others all the time, but who aches for me? I certainly don't and i wish i could, but its reserved for others and not me and thats the way i have always been. no matter what is going on in my life if you need me want me to do something i will almost never say no. I'm dedicated to those i care about. i put others before myself always. the problem with that is that i dont always put people who should be first in line, first. If the TOTGA called, id be there in flash to do whatever he needed. With the Bf he becomes the one i expect to ache for me and take care of me, and i dont like it. I hate becoming too dependent on some one. It even feels different when we talk on the phone i dont feel love from him when he says i love you.
Im pretty sure he thinks i will or am cheating on him. BUT IM NOT> this time i am not. I could never hurt him like that. We are too honest with each other. IM just afraid he burned out on me, I am a very intense person. sometimes i drive people away and thats my biggest fear.
Very honest post, GR. Intense people like us need to be involved with mates who are equally intense, or we tend to dominate or drive-away. Unfortunately, when you get two intense people together intimately, it can be a powder-keg. You have to allow each other space and trust and learn to back off and compromise when necessary. And to accept and recover from the occasional explosions when sparks fly. It can be exhausting, but also very rewarding.
ReplyDelete