fucking meh...

 I tweeze my eyebrows, i have color processing in my hair. I sit here trying to make myself pretty.. for what? I know its stupid. I am pretty. Then why dont i feel it? Oh i can tell you why, because my sick in the heart crazy ass doesnt feel like i get enough attention, Are there straight men who feel this way? honestly, i mean or do they plow plow plow through the women so they dont have to feel that way, thats what i was doing with guys. Constantly swimming through a sea of men trying to find the one. I caught a big great fish, so why do people, assuming im not the only one, still search? wether actively or inactively. I take no action in my thoughts. Perhaps if i didnt feel so ignored, but that is apart of growing up, no one no matter who they are has as much time as i need. I am seriously quite possibly the neediest titty baby ever. I have so much love to give and desire so much love back. I miss some from the past. and sad i will miss out on others in the future. but why sad? Do i have a fear of commitment? My longest realtionship was three and half mostly miserable years. Now im almost to three years and couldnt be happier other than my thoughts of fucking almost everyone i meet. Human Nature and desire are so strange. Its not the thought that kills you, but the lover who does when you act it out. haha. Ive been the cheater, i never ever want to be that again. especially not nathan. he is my love. in fact he is love. My soul wants to have as many other souls near it as possible, but I love him. I know this because i think its cute when he snores, but i want to kill him when i try to go to bed. thats love. love is a lot of things. sex is usually just sex. unless youre fucking someone you love. then its way more complicated. I miss the days of roman ages.They fucked hard, drank hard, ate hard, and died young. Blaze of glory y'all.