Mamma, I Miss You.

 This pain will never go away. I will however learn to deal with it. This is the first time i haven't had anyone around to console me. I feel like i can breathe a bit easier. I dont have to pretend im fine or say im fine when im not. Everyone knows im not fine, everyone elses life goes on around you and even though its a different day you still feel the same. its an emotional version of ground hog's day. It's hard for me to even write any of this everything feels stupid, i feel stupid, i feel cold, and im pretty sure now that the feelings i had of feeling utterly alone was my mind knowing some how that this was the end for her. No one gets it, not until they lose a parent. i have friends who ten years later are still having trouble. No one should have to die the way she did. aggressive fucking cancer got into her brain. the whole time i thought she was loopy from the pain meds and shes fucking shutting down. I don't know how it went down. i dont know the actions, but i do know that she wasnt in terrible pain. she was doing at home hospice. I know it was 630 in the morning on thursday march 10th, two days after my birthday. i feel sick even writing about it, but i feel like i need to. theres no funeral. we're going to go out to the desert and spread her ashes. i have no real way of mourning her, theres no real "finale" she didnt want it. she didnt want everyone dressed in black and all sadass. no matter what was going on with that woman, you wouldnt rarely know it, she wouldnt admit it. she had her face on every day, there were very few times i ever saw any weakness in my mother. I'm not like her in that respect. I bawl at the drop of anything. she'd always say, "buck up, baby." there are also very few times i ever heard or saw my mother crying. She was the toughest woman i ever knew. five foot three 110 pound tough as nails woman. she was a roadie for Dr. Hook. Partied with the Allman Brothers, worked at a disco called Xanadu. she lost her mother at 21 to a drunken driving accident. she was pregnant at 15. when she was pregnant with me i think, there was a story of her strapping a fridge to her back and carrying it. my mom had an amzing fashion sense, a love for high heels, and had the most perfectly arched eyebrows ive ever seen. realizing i will never hear her voice or see her again gives me the most heartbreaking feeling i have ever felt. I havent been able to really talk with anyone about it, or talk about the next step. I just wish i could take some time and dissapear. clear my head. see things. but life has to go on and im stuck in this one. I hate that i didnt have the money or the "time" to go out there before she died, she was supposed to tell me if she was really sick, so i could be there. i wanted to be there. i wanted to see her again. she didnt want any of that, maybe mamma knew best. maybe it will be easier for me..
 It doesnt feel like anything right now, just sadness and immense anger. I thank god my dad was here when i found out. It's like she knew.  id write more but i know no body reads a book as a post. so more later when i can see the words through the tears. not that anyone reads it anyway. i feel this is important though.