life and death

 This has been the worst month of my life. I don't think i have ever felt so alone in my life. i hate feeling depressed, i hate having to say goodbye to those i love, and feeling very distant from those who are still here. Some very amazing people have been very kind to say supportive things to me and i appreciate it more than ever. I suppose i feel alone because in the end, only i can heal myself. i have to constantly remind myself that i cant fix other people and i that i should take care of myself sometimes before others. I have a gigantic heart that is ready to love every single person i meet and be there for them if they need me. My mother was the same way. its very strange how much she and i are a like when i feel like i missed out on a relationship with her most of my life. Some of that was my fault and some hers. which before she died she had said she had a lot to be forgiven for and one of the things was not always being there for her children. I regret a lot about my childhood. I try to forget a lot of the pain i felt. There were a lot of things i wanted to know about my mother and there were a lot of things i wanted to say to her, and now i can't. Im hoping that my two remaining aunts will be able to give me some insight into her life that i wasnt a part of. My heart breaks that im not close to that side of the family, a lot of it has to do with how they grew up too. they didnt keep much in touch either, but tina always called mom to check on her. Tina was the one who kept everyone together, and now she is gone too. They called her sarge for a reason. She was just like a sergeant. always organizing this or taking over that with in the family. My heart breaks for her husband. they got married this past october after thirty years of marriage. Losing family is utterly damaging to the soul but i could not imagine what its like to lose some one you are married too. This side of the family has had serious trials and tribulations growing up together, some i know and a lot i dont. i just know a lot of it was very bad.
   I am so sick to my stomach. I've had a headache off and on for a week now, and im not even sure how to function. i cant think clearly, i dont want to be close to anyone and at the same time long for it. I am worried how my life is going to effect my job. I am so worried that i would be looked down upon for not working when i am supposed to, i was doing pretty well this week i thought, even had a night out last night, nothing big just some friendly faces in places i know all too well. then this hits. Such close family to die within a week of each other. its enough to make you second guess everything else in life. i dont know if i want to be here any more. i want to travel. i want to succeed in life. i want to do the things i dream about before i drop dead and dont have the chance. so im going to try and squander and save as much money as i can and then just travel a little while and clear my head and try to heal. but who am i kidding, i probably wont even do it. i cant afford it, and i need my job just as much as it needs me. that job i have had for nine years is my life line, and so are the people i work with. i will eventually leave them to work in the hair industry but i dont see that happening any time soon. especially with the slow ass paper work. I can not slip at this job and i am so worried that me taking the time off is hurting me. i know its making the job harder for those i work with but i feel they understand and support me. at least i hope they do. i would do the same thing for them. but i cant stop obsessing about how going to funerals and going to cali to get my mothers things are going to hurt my job, i need to calm down before i have my own aneurysm